Health

Anxiety Attacks

I feel sick today. I have a runny nose and a mild cough. Nakaka-praning lalo na’t lumabas na naman ako kagabi. I had dinner with my hubby and some of his colleagues. As usual, I took the bus from our place then transferred to MRT to get to my destination at puno na naman ng tao. Since A(H1N1) virus reached Singapore, natakot na akong lumabas. I’m starting to develop this phobia called “emetophobia” or the fear of being sick or being around with people who might be sick. I am a bit psychosomatic so it aggravates my paranoia. Would you believe that I have alcohol spray, antibacterial gel and antibacterial wet tissue inside my bag? Masyado na nga daw akong OA sabi ni Gard. Di ko maiiwasan, I’m also OC.

Minsan, kahit ako ay hindi na rin natutuwa sa sarili ko. I have so many aversions and they’re eating all my energies. It’s like living a miserable life. Nasabi ko na rito na acrophobic ako o may fear ako sa heights. I hate taking long steep escalators or stairs, especially when both rail sides are widely open wherein you can see the grounds. Alternative palagi ang elevator. Ganun kasi ang mga escalators at hagdanan dito sa Singapore. Palibhasa’y maliit lang ang kanilang land area kaya naman lahat ng buildings ay pataas at hindi pahaba. Kaya noong Wednesday lang, sa isang interview na pinuntahan ko, nangako akong hindi ko na babalikan ‘yun kahit na tawagan pa ako. Paano ba naman kasi ay kinailangan ko pang tumawid ng mataas na uncovered overpass papunta sa location noong kompanya at habang bumababa ako ay abut-abot ang aking dasal at tumatagaktak ang aking pawis sa noo at kili-kili. Impractical naman kung lagi akong magta-taxi papunta doon. And being OC, ayoko rin ng alikabok sa lugar kung nasaan ako, lalo na sa kuwarto. Hindi ko matagalan kaya minsan, 2-3x ako kung magwalis. At dumadagdag pa sa discomfort ang falling hair ko na kapag inipon ay pwede ng makagawa ng wig. Kahit na ano pang ginagawa ko (kahit na nasa romantic moment pa kami ni Gard), basta may nakita akong dumi kailangang linisin ko muna ‘yun just to ease my irritation. Nakakatawa na nakakainis, hindi po ba? Pasensya na kung sa tingin ninyo ay isa itong kaartehan o kaselanan but as much as I want to act normal or live a normal, comfortable life, nahihirapan ako and I regard this matter as a psychological disorder. I really hope that the people around me, my friends and family would understand what I am going through because this is really difficult for me… and I’m trying very hard to help my self cope with those aversions/fears. Pero hindi ‘yun madali at hindi rin overnight. I know it will take a while. So for those people who are happy flaunting their “I’m OC” labels (obsessive-compulsive), remember that these two words came from the medical term “Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder”. It’s a disorder and there is nothing to be happy about.

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P.S.

Nabanggit ko ba na big fan ako ni Michael Jackson? Nakakalungkot. Excited pa naman ako sa big comeback niya, na kahit di ko man mapanood ng personal, hinihintay ko talaga ‘yun para ma-redeem niya ang sarili niya sa lahat ng mga negative publicities tungkol sa kanyang gender at sexual scandals. I believe he’s truly a good man. He’s too young to die.

May his soul find peace in our Father’s arms…

Goodbye Michael.

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